Growing up in Edmond, OK I used to think that in order to belong somewhere I had to do whatever it took to belong. I did whatever everyone else wanted to do and rarely complained.
A few of my "friends" mysteriously didn't have money to pay for themselves so I paid for them without expecting them to pay me back.. I mean they never offered to pay me back at all.
In my senior year of high school in Rochester, NY, I was friends with people who were nerds. They were VERY different from the group I hung around with in Oklahoma. Once again I found myself a doormat.
They asked me to loan them lunch money, I did and never got it back and this time I asked for it back and never got it. I ended up not giving out lunch money any more and spending my lunch in the library by myself so they couldn't ask me. I knew if they did I would have been gullible enough to give it to them. I literally had no self esteem and was nothing more than a doormat for people to wipe their feet on and use me up then move onto someone else.
Once I reached 40 I literally woke up one day and decided that my price tag was going to be raised. I started saying NO to people and I started taking care of myself more than I have ever done. I put myself first and still continue doing it now in my 50's.
I have very few friends, I don't trust people enough to call them as such. They are acquaintances. There are some who I am happy to call them friends and sisters. It's really hard to be honest because I'm waiting to be used up and discarded to the side.
No comments:
Post a Comment