~ When you're home and hear a noise outside in the dark, don’t go outside, saying "who's there?" There's always a murderer there.
If you hear a shot or disturbance outside at night, don't go out. Call for help. The killer is just baiting you.
~ Never blackmail a murderer. They've already murdered once before and you're an idiot if you think they won't kill you too.
~ Don't call the police and say you know something, and you want to meet somewhere to tell them what you know. You will never make it to the meeting alive. No one ever makes it there alive.
~ Buy your burner phone with cash. The police can trace your credit cards.
~ Watch out for CCTV.. you are always being watched! Get a place right across from a CCTV so that you have proof you were home alone!
~ Never, ever enter an abandoned warehouse!
~ Don't invite Hercule Poirot to a house party... or Miss Marple!
~ Don’t move to a town with Midsomer in the name... you may not live that long.
~ Don't dispose of the evidence in a dumpster! Put your trash in your neighbor’s bin.
~ Never take a short cut through the woods. 🪓 Don’t go out alone at night on the path where 4 murders happened last week! In general- stay out of the woods!
~ Don't let anyone into your home who says they just want to talk. Also don’t leave your door unlocked or talk to someone with a baklava on!
~ Never ever think you're going to apprehend the suspect alone, at night without a weapon, in an abandoned building.
~ Stay the hell away from The Moors....nothing good ever happens there.
~ Always keep a written diary of what you’ve been doing every hour of the day! Always keep every threatening note or written warning. Also use gloves and quit touching things.
~ Always expect that, if you're police, regardless of how high your rank, you'll always have a cranky, unreasonable superior, no matter what your case clear up rate is.
~ Never trust that a coincidence is just that.
~ If you're creeping in a dark building always keep your head on a swivel... always look around... stop standing with your back to the door!
~ When the Police/Detective asks to use the bathroom, beware. They will find something! Tell the whole truth. Don’t make them keep coming back to you. It never ends well.
Even if you are naked, you might as well answer the knock at your door because the coppers will peep in your windows and then walk right in.~ If you knock on the door to someone’s house and the door is unlocked or opens because it wasn’t closed, never go in and start calling out the person’s name or ask if anyone is there. Even if you hear a noise, NEVER investigate.
~ Don’t mess with the body in any way at all; don’t cover it! Avoid walking in the crime scene and don't pick up the murder weapon, and definitely don't take it away with you . . . learned that years ago by watching Perry Mason! The neighbor is always watching.
~ When you're tailing someone and spot them half a block away, don't shout out their name. They'll start running. Wait until you get right next to them and grab their arm before addressing them.
Also, if you want to do surveillance on a suspect who lives way out of the city, just go right ahead. They’ll never question a strange vehicle parked behind that tiny hedge at the end of their driveway. 😄
~ Never threaten someone with "I'm going to call the cops." You won't last another 15 minutes. If you have a theory about a murder/murderer.
Keep it to yourself until you can go to the police! Just act normally; don't give a murderer the side-eye.
While in restaurants, or other public spaces, talk loudly about the case. Raise your voice so everyone can hear. Especially shout how you know who the killer is!
Never EVER agree to meet with them in a dark lonely road... why do they always do that??
~ Never get your car serviced in the middle of a murder investigation. Your brakes will be tampered with.
~ Never leave a loved one in a hospital without an armed guard.
~ If you shoot or stab a murderer, don’t drop the weapon on the ground next to the would-be murderer and then turn your back on them and start crying. Murderers always get a second wind and now you’ve re-armed them. You have to kill murderers twice, it’s a fact. You notice if they use a weapon on you, they don’t drop it next to you, turn their back on you and start crying. You got to be hard with murderers.
~ If cops start asking questions don't kill more people it just gets the detectives closer to you faster.
~ If you do live in Midsomer, stay away from all vats, trees, cliffs, boilers, tall shelves, deserted lanes, WW2 hangars, wells, weirs, bridges, long boats, canals, tunnels, manor rooftops/windows, or the grounds just beneath, and any and all historical re-enactments! Never accept a flask or cocktail from ANYONE, either!
~ And never attend a fete! Or take the dog for a walk alone!
~ Don’t have an affair… that’s always when the trouble starts! 😜
~ Just because the figure waiting for you at the end of a back alley seems to have disappeared, it doesn’t mean you’re safe!
~ If you are old with tons of money - don't just drink anything anyone brings you - ask them to take a sip first. 😂 If you go into Witness Protection, take at least one family photo or memento from the past. You don't want to forget what you are running away from.
~ When you are pointing a gun at someone - don't go so close that they can snatch the gun from your hands. 😂 Never hand your gun to the murderer and say "here hold this I need to get my handcuffs out of my purse" it will not end well.
Last but not least... Always have a cup of tea after witnessing a murder.
