To Whom it may concern,

As I sit here and await the new year I reflect back on my life as it has been thus far. I am currently 52 years old and have had a pretty uneventful life. 

Honestly, I never thought I would reach 52. I have mentioned this a few times in this blog and will continue to do so sporadically throughout the posts.

 

I have been an avid follower of the Royal Family ever since Lady Diana's marriage to Prince Charles. I was 12 years old and completely enthralled by this fairytale marriage. I dreamed of finding my own Prince and living in a beautiful castle in the country I love the most. Great Britain. I may be American by birth, but my heart has always belonged to Great Britian, and it will forever be so.

I was up bright and early for the wedding sitting in front of the tv as close as I could get, without getting yelled at by my parents. There was a blanket wrapped around me and I held my breath as I listened to the music and waited for my favorite Princess to show up at the cathedral. 

After the wedding my heart was so full of joy and happiness. Princess Diana was so beautiful, and I prayed that someday when I grew up that I would be able to meet her. I did school reports on the Family and would dream about meeting her and just listening to her talk about her charities and why she chose them. She made my darkness not seem so dark. 

 

The morning that Princess Diana died felt like the end of the world for me and for many of her loyal followers. I have always thought that as long as Princess Diana was alive the world had a chance. As long as she was alive then no matter what happened things would be ok. Because she was the people's champion. See she chose to put people first over the other charities that were put in front of her.

Like me, she had her flaws and through each flaw I adored her unconditionally. She made me realize that it's ok to be flawed. It's ok to not be perfect. It's just ok to be real. I miss her every single day. I miss seeing she smiling you know the real smile she has on her face when she was with her boys. I miss hearing about her charities, since her death you very rarely hear about them in the news anymore. This to me is so sad. 

Though I don't know them personally I do love both of Diana's boys as an extended part of my heart. I love them unconditionally as I loved her. I miss seeing William and Harry together laughing and talking. I miss seeing them doing outing together, I miss seeing them joke around with each other and I miss seeing them acting like... Brother's. 

Life has a way of screwing with us at times. We tend to lose track of what really matters to us and once we lose touch with that it's so hard to try to get it back. No matter how hard you try there is always something hindering it. I am constantly being told "You can't love them both unconditionally considering everything that's happened between them." But I can and I do, and I will continue to do so until the very last breath I take.

They are her boys; they are her loves. They are the reason she worked so hard to make this world a better place. They are an extension of her. I look back at all that she had done that wasn't perfect. Her boys are not perfect either. They are both flawed, but I believe that deep down they truly do love each other. Their story together is yet to be finished and I pray that their mother is watching over them and their families and guiding her boys together again.

Through the Looking glass : Depression, Anxiety, Suicide

TRIGGER ALERT... Depression, Anxiety, Suicide

With each birthday that I move through I am constantly reminded that at 17 years old I really had no desire to reach 20. I honestly didn't expect to reach 19 years old. I literally just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I wanted to be lost wandering through the darkness in my dreams forever. I didn't want to ever wake up.

My English teacher in my senior year {1988} was constantly asking me if I was ok after I would turn in some pretty dark writings to her. It's not every day that a 17-year-old turns in a creative writing paper about tearing one's flesh off their bones to see if their heart was still there. I'm not sure if she ever spoke to my parents like she kept saying she was going to. I think not because they never spoke to me about the darkness, I was dwelling in.

Growing up I literally hated myself. I was always overweight as a teen, and still am, and constantly trying to lose it. I tried diets, exercising, weight loss pills, etc... it just didn't work out for me. I was bullied about my weight all the time. After we moved from Oklahoma to NY, I tried to commit suicide... a few times, the knife was ready, lines drawn on my arm, etc. I just couldn't do it. Every time I tried, I thought about my siblings. I didn't want to leave them so I couldn't do it.

Now at 52, the weight is being lost slowly and I'm walking the border between the light and darkness. I have my moments where I just want to crawl under my blankets and not interact with anyone and then I'll be a chatterbox and talk thy ears off.

~ I've accepted my weight and I know that I will continue to lose it every day.

~ I've accepted my path between the light and darkness... without the darkness we can't see the stars.

~ I've accepted that I have to take care of MYSELF before I can care for others.

~ I have accepted that I'm not going to be model skinny and will never look like the ladies in the magazines.

~ I have accepted that I am so flawed that my heart is permanently broken and when I think of the reasons as to why I just want to cry.

I am not perfect, perfectly imperfect is more my style, but I am VERY happy to be alive. 

Through the Looking glass : Changing paths

I went from being a Pagan to a born again Christian. I literally ripped up all my 40+ books and bought a Bible.

I was a Christian for maybe 4 months and got so depressed. I was so lost. I was depressed and anxious, I was trying to figure out why God wasn’t listening to me.

Then after crying off and on for 2 hours or so I found a book about the Goddess under my book shelf. The moment I picked it up I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, it literally felt like someone was on the floor in front of me hugging me tight. For once in many months I felt peace and contentment. I felt found.

Last year I bought a bible because I was being pulled toward the Christian God again. I will never leave my Gods and Goddesses, but am happy to listen to what the Christian God has to teach and tell me. I don’t call myself Pagan or Christian any more.

I identify as Spiritual and walk between the two religions. I found my path where I am finally content. I talk to all of the Gods. I know they are there listening to me. See there are time’s when our paths change. Walk on the path you’re led to and listen with your heart. 

Through the Looking glass : Tinnitus be damned!

 

Growing up I liked my music loud! I even wore headphones and you would be able to hear the music. lol I never dealt with tinnitus then, but now that I'm older it's coming at me like a runaway train. 

I listen to music at low volume now I know I should have done that a long time ago, but hey. Live and learn. 

Now I'm taking care of my hearing, I still have at least 12 years left to go! I'm keeping my ears clean from ear wax. I clean my ears out every week with peroxide. Just tilt the head and squirt some peroxide in the ear canal and listen to the bubbling. Once the bubbling stops then drain it and do the other ear. Using Q-tips isn't a good ide as it shoves the ear wax into your ear canal and blocks the ear drum. 

I will always have this annoying ringing in my ears, but the more I listen to music on low it's actually not that bad. I can't use headphone as much any more, most unfortunately. :( I mean I literally just bout a new pair last year and have only used them once. lol

Through the Looking glass : Random memories about my wisdom teeth removal.

I was around 14 or 15 when I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled. I was in surgery for around 6 hours I believe. I was terrified when I literally woke up in the middle of the surgery to find the doctor literally straddling my chest. He noticed me looking at him and he was like "Oh shit she woke up!" Then I was out again.

I'm not sure as to how much time passed after that, but I woke up in the recovery room and my dad was standing next to me, he was holding my hand. I saw him and I swear I was about to burst into tears. I said "Daddy I had a weird dream, I dreamed that a man was sitting on my chest."

The doc kinda chuckled a bit and said yeah that was him and I wasn't supposed to have woken up so soon. Needless to say I was drugged up and very confused when I told him to get a chair. 

Come to find out he was trying everything he could to get my wisdom teeth out. See the roots of my wisdom teeth were literally wrapped around my jaw bones so they literally had to shatter my teeth in order to remove to them. It was either that or break my jaws to get the teeth out. He opted to use my chest as a chair to pull them out and after I found out about the possible jaw breaking... I was ok with my chest being used as a chair.

2 Random wisdom teeth facts..
1. Did you know that your adult wisdom teeth are actually your third set of molars and your last ones?

2. Did you know that your wisdom teeth usually show up between the ages of 17 & 25 and that there are some lucky folks who never get them!

So yeah let's just say I've been there. I can remember those days like it was literally yesterday. My mom and dad both worked and I was home alone for the first few days, one of them would usually come home and check on me at lunch time. 

I don't remember what drug they gave me, but it was a seriously loopy time. I was literally seeing black shadows moving around me, darting from door to door and peeking around the corners at me. I was laying on the couch when I saw one looking around the corner at me. I screamed and ran into my brothers room and grabbed his baseball bat and slept with it. 

My Wisdom Teeth Recovery tips

~ I was always drinking water or a glass of orange juice. I always had a glass sitting next to the couch next to me. Hydration is key not only when your in the healing process, but it's an everyday essential.

~ I was putting ice on my cheeks to numb them once or twice a day. The cold on my cheeks made them feel so much better and helped with the swelling. My cheeks were so swollen I inherited the name Chip from the cartoon Chip n Dale. lol

~ I ate a lot of pudding, ice cream and warm soups. The ice cream would have to get a bit soft for me because if it was too hard then it would hurt like crazy. I ate a lot of Jell-O as well. 

~ The worst part is that I wasn't able to chew anything. It's like you're supposed to chew on the side of the mouth where you didn't have an extraction.. but I had teeth pulled from the 4 corners of my mouth! So my liquid diet lasted a couple weeks. I did find that I could chew just a little after I iced my cheeks and numbed my mouth.   

I was out of school for over 3 weeks because of this and the day I went back to school was the day when class picture's were being taken.. they wouldn't let me take them at a later day so there I sat with my puffy cheeks and trying to smile and hide the pain from trying to smile for said photo. 

I would post a photo, but I honestly ripped them all up and threw them away, I looked really bad. 

Through the Looking glass : Daddy's scent

As I sit here looking at pictures of my Dad from my childhood, the memories of the day begin to surface. Along with those memories are smells.

~  I can still remember the smell of Dads Old Spice cologne.

~ The smell of his jacket that I used to curl up under when laying on the couch after having a bad dream.

~ The buttered pop corn he used to make after all 9 of us kids went to bed. I used to go out and sit with him in his chair and cuddle.

~ The smell of sawdust when I stayed home "sick" and had to go to work with him. 

Really I wasn't sick, I just wanted to spend the day with him. 

~ As I got older and started drinking coffee, we used to sit at the table drinking coffee. 

Me eating cereal and him with his coffee and the newspaper. 

My coffee had milk and sugar in it, he drank his black.

What smells and memories do you remember from your childhood?

Through the Looking glass : Drive Ins

 

I can remember very vividly going to the drive in movies with my siblings and parents. Those were some amazing time's, I really wish drive in theaters were a permanent thing instead of a memory from the past.

After dinner we would all load up in the truck in our pajama's and pillows and blankets. We siblings were laying in the camper on the back of the truck and our parents sat in front.

If it was nice out then we would meet aunts and uncles there and we would all sit on lawn chairs or on blankets and watch while munching on pop corn and chili dogs or pizza slices. 

Through the Looking glass : Where do the angels live?

When I was little I used to think that Angel's lived and danced among the clouds. I thought there was an enormous Angel city up there. When someone passed away they went up to the Angel city and watched over their loved ones on earth. If they wanted to see each other they would simply fly from one cloud to another and visit while they watched over their loved ones down below. 

 

  

Through the Looking glass : Lookie what I did!

I remember this day clearly as if it happened just last week. I was minding my own business coloring my plate and some boy came up and swiped my flesh toned marker... the girl next to me was using my purple marker...

Freddie’s clothes were going to be brown, but I ended up using brown for his skin instead. His skin was going to be purple instead but the gal next to me colored everything on her plate purple... yeesh.... as if Santa was a purple people eater or something.

Come to think of it...
I don’t think I ever got my purple marker back...

 #childhoodmusings#brownfredflinstone #iwantmypurplemarkerback#christmas1977