With each birthday that I move through I am constantly reminded that at 17 years old I really had no desire to reach 20. I honestly didn't expect to reach 19 years old.
I literally just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I wanted to be lost wandering through the darkness in my dreams forever. I didn't want to ever wake up.
My English teacher in my senior year {1988} was constantly asking me if I was ok after I would turn in some pretty dark writings to her. It's not every day that a 17-year-old turns in a creative writing paper about tearing one's flesh off their bones to see if their heart was still there.
I'm not sure if she ever spoke to my parents like she kept saying she was going to. I think not because they never spoke to me about the darkness, I was dwelling in.
Growing up I literally hated myself. I was always overweight as a teen, and still am, and constantly trying to lose it. I tried diets, exercising, weight loss pills, etc... it just didn't work out for me. I was bullied about my weight all the time.
After we moved from Oklahoma to NY, I tried to commit suicide... a few times, the knife was ready, lines drawn on my arm, etc. I just couldn't do it. Every time I tried, I thought about my siblings. I didn't want to leave them so I couldn't do it.
Now at 52, the weight is being lost slowly and I'm walking the border between the light and darkness. I have my moments where I just want to crawl under my blankets and not interact with anyone and then I'll be a chatterbox and talk thy ears off.
~ I've accepted my weight and I know that I will continue to lose it every day.
~ I've accepted my path between the light and darkness... without the darkness we can't see the stars.
~ I've accepted that I have to take care of MYSELF before I can care for others.
~ I have accepted that I'm not going to be model skinny and will never look like the ladies in the magazines.
~ I have accepted that I am so flawed that my heart is permanently broken and when I think of the reasons as to why I just want to cry.
I am not perfect, perfectly imperfect is more my style, but I am VERY happy to be alive.
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