One can only fake it for so long..

 I've been faking it until I make it for 20+ years and it's getting hard to fake it...

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. In high school in Oklahoma, I was depressed and thought that the world would be better off without me.

Bullying has been a big part of my childhood among other things. Mind you I never even thought of leaving this body by my own devices. That just wasn't something I was willing to do.

As time progressed and we moved to New York, it got harder to fake being happy and "normal" all the ding dang time. I smiled when I needed to all the while inside sobbing into the darkness that lingered in my head. 

I left behind my friends and family and that to me was devastating. When my family used to drive to visit cousins about an hour away, they used to take bets as to whether I ordered a pizza. I usually did have a pizza box sitting on the counter.
Had they actually known what was in my head then they probably wouldn't have left me alone during those times because the thoughts of leaving my body were strong and I did try a few times. 

Back then I was dealing with the depression by eating which resulted in a big weight gain. When we moved to New York I wore a L or XL in clothing. Now I wear a much bigger size. :(  I had successfully replaced the desire to die with the desire to eat. 

The desire to eat has been replaced with the desire to live a long and healthy life. I know it's going to be hard work, but for my family I'll get it done.