We moved from Oklahoma to New York on the last day of school in my Junior year... I literally came home to find the house packed and ready to go, there was no advanced warning ahead of time. Some of the fam say's otherwise, but I don't really remember there ever being advanced warning. My memory sucks at times.
At the time I was a nanny for a mother who had 2 little girls. She was a nurse and met her at the time husband while he was a patient in the psyche ward it was a very weird experience lol... She loved him enough to marry him, just not to trust him to be alone with her daughters.
Anyway I left a dozen or more friends behind and a job where I was paid $300 every two weeks to come to NY to getting no $$$ at all and having 0 friends... which put me in a depression.. a deep dark depression at that. I started babysitting and getting money coming into my pocket, my family would go to my aunt and uncles house a few hours a way on Saturdays and this was an all day event. There were time's when I didn't feel like going so I would sit at home.
One day I had lines drawn on my wrist and a knife in my hand and went to cut. My thoughts were jumbled.. I was in a new state, all of my friends were in Oklahoma and I was failing at making new ones. My brother had a whole group of new friends, it was easier for him than it was for me. I was totally miserable.
Then my moment of clarity hit me. If I go through with it then my family will be miserable and unhappy. My mom will cry and my sisters and brother need me to be there for them... I was the oldest sibling it was my job to be there for them. My family needed me and I didn't want them to have to bury me... I needed to be there for them like they have always been there for me, even now.
I put the knife away and went upstairs and took a shower for a few hours, cried in the tub until the tears ran dry and the water ran cold. I put a pair of sweats on and ordered a pizza... supreme with everything on it.. minus anchovies.. yuck. After that I never spoke about it to family or even friends that memory stayed locked in my head for 48 years.
At the time I was a nanny for a mother who had 2 little girls. She was a nurse and met her at the time husband while he was a patient in the psyche ward it was a very weird experience lol... She loved him enough to marry him, just not to trust him to be alone with her daughters.
Anyway I left a dozen or more friends behind and a job where I was paid $300 every two weeks to come to NY to getting no $$$ at all and having 0 friends... which put me in a depression.. a deep dark depression at that. I started babysitting and getting money coming into my pocket, my family would go to my aunt and uncles house a few hours a way on Saturdays and this was an all day event. There were time's when I didn't feel like going so I would sit at home.
One day I had lines drawn on my wrist and a knife in my hand and went to cut. My thoughts were jumbled.. I was in a new state, all of my friends were in Oklahoma and I was failing at making new ones. My brother had a whole group of new friends, it was easier for him than it was for me. I was totally miserable.
Then my moment of clarity hit me. If I go through with it then my family will be miserable and unhappy. My mom will cry and my sisters and brother need me to be there for them... I was the oldest sibling it was my job to be there for them. My family needed me and I didn't want them to have to bury me... I needed to be there for them like they have always been there for me, even now.
I put the knife away and went upstairs and took a shower for a few hours, cried in the tub until the tears ran dry and the water ran cold. I put a pair of sweats on and ordered a pizza... supreme with everything on it.. minus anchovies.. yuck. After that I never spoke about it to family or even friends that memory stayed locked in my head for 48 years.
All I can give you are my thoughts on it. I get it. You feel as if you are alone in the world and you have no one who will truly listen to you without passing judgement on how your feeling. I really do get it. You feel lost and empty inside. You have your good days and your bad ones as well. With me it felt as if the bad ones were more prominent than the good ones.
I did tell someone who I thought I could trust to listen and you know what? I was told in not so many words.. "Your 17 deal with it. Life sucks and then you move on. Get over it." Those words didn't help at all and actually it was after that conversation that I drew the lines on my wrists and grabbed the knife.
I did tell someone who I thought I could trust to listen and you know what? I was told in not so many words.. "Your 17 deal with it. Life sucks and then you move on. Get over it." Those words didn't help at all and actually it was after that conversation that I drew the lines on my wrists and grabbed the knife.
I really didn't want to die, I just needed someone to LISTEN to me.. not say anything, just listen! I started writing poetry in my senior year of high school and found a teacher who listened to my words. She actually listened without me saying anything to her. I thought for sure she would have talked to my parent's, but I asked her not to.
While she hung everyone our poems up on the wall, she always returned them to me with words of encouragement written on the back as well as the words "I'm here if you need me." I would go to her room for lunch and we would eat our pb&j sandwiches together.
While she hung everyone our poems up on the wall, she always returned them to me with words of encouragement written on the back as well as the words "I'm here if you need me." I would go to her room for lunch and we would eat our pb&j sandwiches together.
So if your thinking of suicide.. please don't do it .. get help, it's out there you just have to ask for it. Not all is as lost as it may seem to you at the moment.. ask for help! I may not know what to tell you, but I promise to listen without judgement. You have my ear any time you need it, just shoot me an e-mail at LisaSteinmetz69@gmail.com. I'll listen to you. I promise.
Sometimes we just need someone to hold our hands while we fix ourselves.
Helpful numbersNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Talk): 1-800-273-TALK
Bulling UK: 0808-800-2222
Cybertipline: 800-843-5678
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741
The website Suicide.org has a list of hotlines by state + international numbers
Online chat: Crisis Centre chat, Mind your mind, Crisis chat
Girls and Boys Town: 1-800-448-3000
Youth Crisis Hotline : 1-800-448-4663
Teen Hope Line: 1-800-394-HOPE
United Way Crisis Helpline: 1-800-233-HELP
Christian Oriented Hotline: 1-877-949-HELP
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